Marvin, the male Maxine…somebody sent me a few via email…
The confessional
A drunk man staggered into a Catholic church and sat down in a confession box, saying nothing.
The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the man said nothing.
The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replied, “No use knocking, there’s no paper in this one either.”
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, ‘What setting do I use on the
washing machine?’
‘It depends,’ I replied. ‘What does it say on your shirt?’
He yelled back, ’ OHIO STATE ! ’ And they say blondes are dumb…
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
‘I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world…’ The woman replies, 'I’ll miss you…
‘It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,’
Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, ‘honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?’ ‘Probably that I married you for your money,’ she replied.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good look ing, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I’ll beat him to death.
AMEN
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be
men.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy…
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Re name the email folder ‘Instruction Manuals’
Funny
The Meaning of Life Explained
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
‘Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.’
The dog said: ‘That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?’
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
‘Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.’
The monkey said: ‘Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?’
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
‘You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.’
The cow said: ‘That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?’
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, s leep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years. 'But man said: ‘Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and have the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?’
‘Okay,’ said God, ‘You asked for it.’
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
THIS IS WHY ENGLISH IS SUCH A DIFFICULT LANGUAGE
Asylum for the Verbally Insane
Author unknown
We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Let’s face it -English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren’t invented in England .
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing,
grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be
committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people
recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the
same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother’s not Mop?
iPad vs ObamaPad
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u3qiSXc1g3M
If only the government passed a law to make sure that those people who can not afford an Apple iPad do not suffer the unfairness and indignity of living without access to tablet computing.
The Pope and Nancy Pelosi
The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on a stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards her and says,
“Do you know that with one wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?
This joy will go deep into their hearts and they’ll forever speak of this day and rejoice!”
Pelosi replied, “I seriou…sly doubt that. With one wave of your hand? Show me.” So the Pope slapped her.
ZEN TEACHINGS
-
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just leave me alone.
-
Sex is like air. It’s not that important unless you aren’t getting any.
-
No one is listening until you fart.
-
Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
-
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
-
If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
-
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
-
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
-
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
-
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
-
If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
-
Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
-
Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
-
Good judgment comes from bad experience … and most of that comes from bad judgment.
-
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
-
There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
-
Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
-
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
-
We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass
… then things just keep getting worse. -
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, threateningly leering biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
“Well, watcha’ gonna do about it?” he says menacingly, as the little guy bursts into tears.
“Come on, man,” the biker says, " I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
“This is the worst day of my life,” says the little guy.
"I`m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my Boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car stolen and I don’t have any insurance,
I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me.
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.
"I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then a wise-ass like you shows up and drinks the whole thing
LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider’s home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
DEAR LORD, THIS YEAR YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTOR, PATRICK SWAYZIE. YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTRESS, FARAH FAWCETT. YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE SINGER, MICHAEL JACKSON. I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW, MY FAVORITE PRESIDENT IS BARACK OBAMA. AMEN
Funny
A Modern Version of “Who’s On First?”
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I wan t to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue ‘W’.
COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue ‘w’ if you don’t start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on ‘START’…
Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?
To get to the same side.
Once there was a Rabbi who lived in a small town. Every morning the Rabbi went for a walk to the local synagogue. At the same time each morning the local Priest got into his car and drove to his local church.
Each morning the Priest would toot his horn and greet the Rabbi a good morning.
One morning, the Priest got out of his car, came over to the Rabbi and asked him why at his age does he walk each morning. The priest suggested that the Rabbi should buy a car…
“On a Rabbi’s salary, I cannot afford to buy a car” said the Rabbi.
The priest thought for a moment, then said, " Why don’t you buy a small moped (motor-bike)".
The Rabbi, thought that was a fabulous idea, and sure enough the next morning the Rabbi was on his bike. And so it went on again each morning, the Priest greeting the Rabbi.
Unitl one morning… the rabbi was walking to synagogue. The Priest jumped out of his car… “Where is you bike, Rabbi?” asked the priest.
“I don’t know vy someone vould steel my bike” said the Rabbi, quite distraught.
The Priest had an idea.
“This Saturday, when you get up to give your sermon in synagogue, quote the 10 Commandments”, said the Priest. “When you reach the commandment - Thou Shalt not Steal… look around the synagogue. Someone will feel guilty and return your bike”
Sunday morning, and the Rabbi is back on his bike. The priest was so excited. “You did as I suggested and the bike has been returned” said the priest.
“Vell nearly” said the rabbi, “I began my sermon and quoted the 10 commandments, but ven I got to the commandment - Thou Shalt not Commit Adultery - I remembered vhere I left my bike”…
That’s good
Tom wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Tom looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.”
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Tom asks, “Son, what happened last night?”
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.
"Confused, Tom asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, “Lady, leave me alone, I’m married!”
A self-induced hangover - $100.00
Broken furniture - $200.00
Breakfast - $10.00
Saying the right thing - Priceless !
Woman at the wishing well …
[quote author=MCHALLIS link=topic=45440.msg370623#msg370623 date=1272232341]
Woman at the wishing well …
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: